Hell in a Church

Some religions make it a pillar of belief to visit holy lands; Jews go to Jerusalem and Muslims make the pilgrimage to Mecca. I would love to go see Italy, but cannot fathom that I’d even bother to visit The Vatican. I can’t trust that I’d keep my mouth shut while there and the last thing I need to do is get arrested for talking about The Pope in Rome. Haha Sitting through my friend’s extra Catholic wedding mass was more than my mouth could handle. I ended it by taking duckface selfies in front of the altar with a rather lovely new ladyfriend and wife of one of the groom’sdudes.

Sitting in a church isn’t something I find myself doing often, but I’m not usually so physically revolted by being inside of one. It’s just not a place I really go anymore. I was raised in the church and I don’t have a problem with most folks who attend or what some of them preach. However, when I walk into a building and I’m met with a display of pamphlets–all of which challenge who I am to the core of my being, I start to feel uneasy. Walking up closer to check some titles made my stomach turn and I became physically ill. It’s one thing to know that the church doesn’t approve of condoms or birth control, but it’s another to see it in black and white as a fun, colored brochure to take home and peruse at someone’s leisure.

Demonic symbolism and titles such at “The Gay Demon” do not sit well with me. Knowing that I am currently inside of  a building that would have me believe everything about myself, my attractions, and my body is wrong makes me want to vomit… and then burn it down.

Happy smiling faces on the pamphlets about chastity contrast darkly with the scared, concerned women on the pamphlets bemoaning the prevalence of birth control in today’s society. The absolute insanity of a world where old, celibate men enforce their views on other people’s sexuality, sexual habits, and sexual health is too absurd for me to believe. Yet, here it was in black and white. I’ve got this weighing heavily upon me, and now I’m expected to smile for the camera and send well wishes to the bridal party? No. No thank you.

I will sit here fighting back the moans and the tears I feel welling up inside of me. I will stifle the animal clawing its way up and out of my throat. I will continually wipe away my tears and pretend it’s because the wedding is just so damned beautiful.  I will do this because you are my husband’s dearest friend and if I ruin this day, you and he may never forgive me.